Hamster Cage

I continue to be humbled by God's grace in His comfort and care shown by the people around me. Thank you to those who have continued to ask after me especially after reading this blog.

I have to be honest - at times I do wonder whether it's a better idea to just remove these posts so I don't publicise this. Depression is an oft-misunderstood disease and I do sometimes fear what others will think of me. But I feel that as a Christian, life isn't always easy, and sometimes through no fault of your own. And this is part of the Christian walk - clinging on to God and trying to pray even when you don't feel at all.

But nonetheless, thank you to those few who do read this blog and have kept yourselves quietly concerned with my condition. I am now on medication after seeing a psychiatrist at SGH. The condition is definitely improving, but it's really too early to tell. The medication usually only really helps matters 6 to 8 weeks into the course. Also, the doctor did mention it'll be at least a few months of medication.

Please pray for minimal side effects, and for me to recover. Please pray for healing for the both of us as well - depression not only affects the sufferer, but those around him or her.

Thanks again and God bless! :)

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I wonder how many people know where the title came from.

I went for a jog yesterday - quite a short one, I think about 1 click at most. Even then I was quite winded by the end of it. Kept reminding myself to SLOW DOWN but my feet just went pitter patter. I stopped by the zi char store near my place to say hi to the owners since we haven't visited for a while now. They were happy to see me - but hey, we haven't shopped at their place for a while, so how much of their smiles were real? I shall be less cynical and abandon this line of thought.

Calmer since I switched away from an old brand of fish oil that my dad bought for me. I'm taking a fish oil supplement that's mercury tested from Blackmore's. Not sure if it's the lack of tooth grinding since the tooth came out, or whether it's the fish oil, but I can't decide for sure whether I'm depressed or not. Which is definitely a step up from knowing that I'm depressed because the wall in front of me is very attractive and would be more attractive with my brains dashed against it. Which in turn is a scary thought.

Christ has been my anchor - partly because He gave me my dear wife and child, and mostly because I keep reminding myself that He won't be happy if I gave in and did something stupid. And stupid is what it is - God has been very merciful and gracious, and all I can think of is how easy life would be if I just didn't have to do anything. I'm so blessed, and yet I'm greedy for more because of my depression. When I say more, I mean less - less life itself. Nothing to think about, nothing to have to handle. What holds me back are my responsibilities, the awareness that it's the depression talking, the FACT that I am blessed, the image of Christ staring at me from the cross, arms bleeding. Gross to non-Christians - but that blood bought my life. I have no right not to bow to Him and give up my little life for Him.

I think in a way that's the greatest anchor and the greatest relief. On the one hand it's with a sense of obligation to His sacrifice that I know my life is no longer mine. On the other hand it's with a sense of awe and joy knowing that He was willing to give up His life for mine. It's at once liberating and at once awe-inspiring.

I hate that despite all that, I still sin against Him by disobeying Him. This isn't related to my depression - I am aware that the depression causes some irrational thought or actions which I don't blame myself for. If I'm honest with myself, there are sins that I commit on a regular basis which are outright unfair and done despite knowing what I should be doing. I want to hate that sin and stop it but it's infinitely not easy, and I keep praying that God would help me.

On the other hand, the depression doesn't help matters. :D

Anyway, back to work. I've been feeling more focused since the tooth was out - the pain got me to focus on what I was doing that day, and for a while now the focus is sharper, better. Not so easily distracted. I still struggle to remember things, but an online to-do list helps with that.

Toodle.

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The depression hit hard again last week. I was planning to go to the gym, and when simply imagining changing to prepare for exercise, I had the most morbid thoughts and I kept shuddering inside. Had to do with self harm rather than harming other people in the changing room, but it put me off enough that I ended up slinking over Vivocity and spending 20 bucks on dinner. And of course, crashing down in my mood.

But looking back on it, it was just nice to sit and watch the world go by. Maybe I need to do that just a little bit more.

So, back on meds again for a short while. Another 10 days worth.

In other news, I had my wisdom tooth out today. It was growing straight down and grinding on my lower molar. Woke me up sometimes at night. So out it goes. Made an appointment at the National Dental Center near my place. I had another tooth filled in as well (got a scare when the dentist patiently told me that it was decaying and we needed to get the decay out AND if the decay was too deep, we'd have to do a root canal. "Do you know what a root canal treatment involves?" I only knew it goes real deep, and I don't want one. Anyway as it turns out, a root canal treatment involves taking out the nerve under a tooth and replacing it with a root canal as the decay would already be too deep and affect the nerve. And I didn't need one. Thank you God.) and then had my wisdom tooth taken out. It was HUGE. I'm keeping it because I can't believe how big it is. Maybe I'll post a picture some day. :P

And now the anesthetic has totally worn off, I'm kicking myself for being so gung ho as to tell the doctor (they're all doctors - just for teeth, that's all) that I didn't need the MC after all. Stupid stupid. But work demands are high lah.

Back to work with a wince... and praying hard the depression ends.

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Someone reminded me I better update my latest condition. Things are looking up - but still easily tired. At least my mood swings aren't as bad! Looks like I can actually survive this.

Please keep praying - those who already do, that is - I finished the last bout of medication and am still monitoring.

Thanks for all the concern and prayers.

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I went to see the doctor again last Thursday, fully expecting to be referred to a psychiatrist. After all, nothing had really changed. He took one look at me, however, and just said "More medicine." I was a little nonplussed so I asked "Is that all?" His reply - "What else? Do you need me to double your medication?" After telling him the last dosage didn't really do much until the 4th or 5th day, he decided to double the dosage.

I'm on the 5th day now, and things are finally looking up. At least I don't get massive mood swings, and my diet seems pretty much back to normal. But there're still occasional signs of the depression peeking out, such as sudden mood drops and sudden lack of energy. Plus I woke myself up last night muttering in my sleep.

So why am I blogging this? Because a Christian's life is not entirely rosy, and I do want Mun Yew or any other child I have to know that I struggled with this in the past. No one knows how prevalent depression will be when they are old enough to work, but nonetheless, some knowledge in this area can go a long way if they ever meet any friends with depression. At least they'll know not to say "Find joy in the Lord, and all will be well" to a clinically depressed person.

Yes, that's not a good idea. It makes the clinically depressed person feel like he or she is wholly responsible for the feeling of depression. It's like telling an amputee that he or she should rejoice that he or she doesn't have a limb. Somewhat correct, but totally tactless, and very very painful.

In other news, Flickr now allows limited video uploads. I am definitely renewing my membership when it's up for renewal.

hamster • Musings 2 comments

I started this blog mainly to keep my ideas about Christianity and a little bit about my life for others to see, and for myself to keep the information.

It's become a way for me to talk to others without saying anything (esp my dear wife, when words become difficult not through choice). And I pray that my son and any other children will also be able to read through this at some point and understand me better.

I type better and faster than I write anyway. Ha.

I'm better, I think. I'm not sure. Tired, tired, tired, but the moods seem more stable. If there's any change I'll go look for more help. For now, I'm content to pray and revel in the peace of the Lord. :)

I love you, my wife, for being there with me through this.

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I've been put on one Deanxit a day. Since last Thursday. If things don't improve, I may have to be referred to a psych.

As of now, things are slowly picking up - it's already the 7th day. Too slow too slow......

At least things aren't so colourless anymore. And Mun Yew cut his first tooth!

hamster • Musings 2 comments

Life is losing its colour again.

Yes it's its, not it's. I looked it up.

I honestly don't know if I'm depressed again, or whether I've been depressed all along. Since I don't know when. Life has lost its colour from Mondays to Fridays and I never really remember much about what happened. Life regains its colours only on the weekends and especially on Sunday morning when I see everyone in church. But it's fleeting and dulls down by 8pm.

It's not that married life isn't fun and exciting. My wife is lovely and just looking at her or snuggling up next to her makes me just feel more secure and better. But it doesn't last. It doesn't carry me for long. I feel tired. Lethargic. Life is still meaningful and rich because of Christ, and I thank God for Him and His sacrifice for holding me up now. Without the hope of Christ and His Spirit, I don't think I'd be able to type what I'm typing, or even enjoy the colour of the weekend.

Of course, my dear son brightens up the hours that pass on the weekends as well. But I see Monday coming and the darkness approaches. I can say that :) he is a real blessing. I miss him even as I type this. I miss my wife's hugs and whispers even now, at work.

But on the other hand I keep making my cynical jokes, laughing my head with my teammates about work and stupid people and stupid policies and nice music and not-so-nice music and where to eat and where not to eat and how to do this and that.

Maybe I'm depressed. But I don't want to take medication and I'm afraid of seeing the doctor's face again as I try to explain what I feel, that look of disbelief masked by his professional demeanour (I read more than what's there I guess. I over-read?) I'm tired of being tired. I can't even imagine going into the gym. I'm easily distracted and only in my world of computer games and video games do I find temporary solace - I don't feel anything outside of being immersed. It relieves my stress.

Things to do - brainstorm - here or anywhere else - about issues in my life. As of now... nothing comes to mind. Maybe it's really just chemical.

My parents are coming this weekend. Pray for God to convict them of His truth by His grace. Without Him I am really nothing, and if He is false, then I shall die. For we have made choices, and lived according to what we hoped was pleasing to Him despite all the criticism, despite everyone rejecting and rejecting and rejecting.

Smile and pray.

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爱恨消失前 用手温缓我的脸
为我证明我曾真心爱过你

From 广岛之恋

It has no link to what I'm currently experiencing (lovely wife, dear son) but I...

I just shouldn't be listening to sad songs.

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