I've been put on one Deanxit a day. Since last Thursday. If things don't improve, I may have to be referred to a psych.
As of now, things are slowly picking up - it's already the 7th day. Too slow too slow......
At least things aren't so colourless anymore. And Mun Yew cut his first tooth!
Life is losing its colour again.
Yes it's its, not it's. I looked it up.
I honestly don't know if I'm depressed again, or whether I've been depressed all along. Since I don't know when. Life has lost its colour from Mondays to Fridays and I never really remember much about what happened. Life regains its colours only on the weekends and especially on Sunday morning when I see everyone in church. But it's fleeting and dulls down by 8pm.
It's not that married life isn't fun and exciting. My wife is lovely and just looking at her or snuggling up next to her makes me just feel more secure and better. But it doesn't last. It doesn't carry me for long. I feel tired. Lethargic. Life is still meaningful and rich because of Christ, and I thank God for Him and His sacrifice for holding me up now. Without the hope of Christ and His Spirit, I don't think I'd be able to type what I'm typing, or even enjoy the colour of the weekend.
Of course, my dear son brightens up the hours that pass on the weekends as well. But I see Monday coming and the darkness approaches. I can say that :) he is a real blessing. I miss him even as I type this. I miss my wife's hugs and whispers even now, at work.
But on the other hand I keep making my cynical jokes, laughing my head with my teammates about work and stupid people and stupid policies and nice music and not-so-nice music and where to eat and where not to eat and how to do this and that.
Maybe I'm depressed. But I don't want to take medication and I'm afraid of seeing the doctor's face again as I try to explain what I feel, that look of disbelief masked by his professional demeanour (I read more than what's there I guess. I over-read?) I'm tired of being tired. I can't even imagine going into the gym. I'm easily distracted and only in my world of computer games and video games do I find temporary solace - I don't feel anything outside of being immersed. It relieves my stress.
Things to do - brainstorm - here or anywhere else - about issues in my life. As of now... nothing comes to mind. Maybe it's really just chemical.
My parents are coming this weekend. Pray for God to convict them of His truth by His grace. Without Him I am really nothing, and if He is false, then I shall die. For we have made choices, and lived according to what we hoped was pleasing to Him despite all the criticism, despite everyone rejecting and rejecting and rejecting.
Smile and pray.
爱恨消失前 用手温缓我的脸
为我证明我曾真心爱过你
From 广岛之恋
It has no link to what I'm currently experiencing (lovely wife, dear son) but I...
I just shouldn't be listening to sad songs.
Now and then I look under my table at work and I feel like just hiding myself under the desk. And not responding to anyone till it's time to go home.
It just feels much better that way. Maybe even grab my keyboard and mouse and screen and hide below. Maybe I'd get disturbed less that way.
Either that or I'm already disturbed. (Geddit geddit??!)
I often wonder what our role is as Christians with regard to "protecting the planet". I mean, other than reusing plastic bags, recycling stuff, etc. I'm talking about the big stuff such as worrying about the sea levels rising, the earth cooking a la Waterworld.
Now I'm even less clear on what to do.
All parents... view this as Christians, offer your praise, and pray for the family. For God is TRULY glorified.
** Warning - I cried in the office and fought back my tears watching this. I can only begin to imagine the pain...
But yet that only made me more awed at the humble, measured response of the parents to their loss.
http://thinklings.org/posts/99-balloons
The family's blog is here:
http://mattandginny.blogspot.com/
Drop by and send them your love if you can. They're pregnant again - YIPPEE!!
I've not blogged for ages because of busy-ness but I should start again. Maybe when Yew Yew is older he can read his father's thoughts and understand him better.
Or get more confused.
So it's with a lot of sadness and anger that I post this link:
http://ernursey.blogspot.com/2008/05/things-are-never-what-they-seem.html
I read quite a few blogs written by doctors and nurses, but I've never felt as much anger and pain as I have reading this article. Pray for the girl's physical and mental and emotional recovery. And pray for the Lord's coming again.
Ray, this one's for you.
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: "It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"
God just shrugged and said,
"JESUS SAVES"
Taken without permission from here.
1. I type in my NUS username and password and press enter. And am surprised that nothing happens. The problem of course, is that it's my bank web page, and the submit button needs to be pressed. Pressing enter doesn't work.
Using my NUS username and password is secondary. Of course.
2. I'm listening to my songs and I see the next song up is "When I See You Smell" by Bad English. I find nothing wrong with that.
Actually it's When I See You Smile, but my eyes told me otherwise. The scary thing is I just smiled.
I need more sleep......
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