Someone reminded me I better update my latest condition. Things are looking up - but still easily tired. At least my mood swings aren't as bad! Looks like I can actually survive this.
Please keep praying - those who already do, that is - I finished the last bout of medication and am still monitoring.
Thanks for all the concern and prayers.
I went to see the doctor again last Thursday, fully expecting to be referred to a psychiatrist. After all, nothing had really changed. He took one look at me, however, and just said "More medicine." I was a little nonplussed so I asked "Is that all?" His reply - "What else? Do you need me to double your medication?" After telling him the last dosage didn't really do much until the 4th or 5th day, he decided to double the dosage.
I'm on the 5th day now, and things are finally looking up. At least I don't get massive mood swings, and my diet seems pretty much back to normal. But there're still occasional signs of the depression peeking out, such as sudden mood drops and sudden lack of energy. Plus I woke myself up last night muttering in my sleep.
So why am I blogging this? Because a Christian's life is not entirely rosy, and I do want Mun Yew or any other child I have to know that I struggled with this in the past. No one knows how prevalent depression will be when they are old enough to work, but nonetheless, some knowledge in this area can go a long way if they ever meet any friends with depression. At least they'll know not to say "Find joy in the Lord, and all will be well" to a clinically depressed person.
Yes, that's not a good idea. It makes the clinically depressed person feel like he or she is wholly responsible for the feeling of depression. It's like telling an amputee that he or she should rejoice that he or she doesn't have a limb. Somewhat correct, but totally tactless, and very very painful.
In other news, Flickr now allows limited video uploads. I am definitely renewing my membership when it's up for renewal.
I started this blog mainly to keep my ideas about Christianity and a little bit about my life for others to see, and for myself to keep the information.
It's become a way for me to talk to others without saying anything (esp my dear wife, when words become difficult not through choice). And I pray that my son and any other children will also be able to read through this at some point and understand me better.
I type better and faster than I write anyway. Ha.
I'm better, I think. I'm not sure. Tired, tired, tired, but the moods seem more stable. If there's any change I'll go look for more help. For now, I'm content to pray and revel in the peace of the Lord. :)
I love you, my wife, for being there with me through this.
I've been put on one Deanxit a day. Since last Thursday. If things don't improve, I may have to be referred to a psych.
As of now, things are slowly picking up - it's already the 7th day. Too slow too slow......
At least things aren't so colourless anymore. And Mun Yew cut his first tooth!
Life is losing its colour again.
Yes it's its, not it's. I looked it up.
I honestly don't know if I'm depressed again, or whether I've been depressed all along. Since I don't know when. Life has lost its colour from Mondays to Fridays and I never really remember much about what happened. Life regains its colours only on the weekends and especially on Sunday morning when I see everyone in church. But it's fleeting and dulls down by 8pm.
It's not that married life isn't fun and exciting. My wife is lovely and just looking at her or snuggling up next to her makes me just feel more secure and better. But it doesn't last. It doesn't carry me for long. I feel tired. Lethargic. Life is still meaningful and rich because of Christ, and I thank God for Him and His sacrifice for holding me up now. Without the hope of Christ and His Spirit, I don't think I'd be able to type what I'm typing, or even enjoy the colour of the weekend.
Of course, my dear son brightens up the hours that pass on the weekends as well. But I see Monday coming and the darkness approaches. I can say that :) he is a real blessing. I miss him even as I type this. I miss my wife's hugs and whispers even now, at work.
But on the other hand I keep making my cynical jokes, laughing my head with my teammates about work and stupid people and stupid policies and nice music and not-so-nice music and where to eat and where not to eat and how to do this and that.
Maybe I'm depressed. But I don't want to take medication and I'm afraid of seeing the doctor's face again as I try to explain what I feel, that look of disbelief masked by his professional demeanour (I read more than what's there I guess. I over-read?) I'm tired of being tired. I can't even imagine going into the gym. I'm easily distracted and only in my world of computer games and video games do I find temporary solace - I don't feel anything outside of being immersed. It relieves my stress.
Things to do - brainstorm - here or anywhere else - about issues in my life. As of now... nothing comes to mind. Maybe it's really just chemical.
My parents are coming this weekend. Pray for God to convict them of His truth by His grace. Without Him I am really nothing, and if He is false, then I shall die. For we have made choices, and lived according to what we hoped was pleasing to Him despite all the criticism, despite everyone rejecting and rejecting and rejecting.
Smile and pray.
爱恨消失前 用手温缓我的脸
为我证明我曾真心爱过你
From 广岛之恋
It has no link to what I'm currently experiencing (lovely wife, dear son) but I...
I just shouldn't be listening to sad songs.
Now and then I look under my table at work and I feel like just hiding myself under the desk. And not responding to anyone till it's time to go home.
It just feels much better that way. Maybe even grab my keyboard and mouse and screen and hide below. Maybe I'd get disturbed less that way.
Either that or I'm already disturbed. (Geddit geddit??!)
I often wonder what our role is as Christians with regard to "protecting the planet". I mean, other than reusing plastic bags, recycling stuff, etc. I'm talking about the big stuff such as worrying about the sea levels rising, the earth cooking a la Waterworld.
Now I'm even less clear on what to do.
All parents... view this as Christians, offer your praise, and pray for the family. For God is TRULY glorified.
** Warning - I cried in the office and fought back my tears watching this. I can only begin to imagine the pain...
But yet that only made me more awed at the humble, measured response of the parents to their loss.
http://thinklings.org/posts/99-balloons
The family's blog is here:
http://mattandginny.blogspot.com/
Drop by and send them your love if you can. They're pregnant again - YIPPEE!!
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